Christmas Eve again... Sigh.

Christmas Eve has been hard for me for the last 5 years. We saw Devlin in the funeral home for the last time on this day. The boys kept wanting to go see him and would play next to his casket for as long as we let them. On this day I made them say goodbye to him for the last time. I kissed his forehead for the last time. 


We couldn't bury him until 27th because of the snow and I felt like a horrible mother because I couldn't keep going to the funeral home to see him like that. He didn't look like my child. They did not do a good job with him. I don't know why I felt so bad about not visiting him in the mortuary. Had we been able to bury him when we'd originally planned on the 22nd, I wouldn't have visited him every day at the cemetery but it felt like I was betraying him by not spending all the time that I could with him. Even though I knew he was gone. Even though I know he wouldn't have wanted me to. Even though no one else expected me to. 


I felt so bad telling the boys they could no longer go see their brother but I was barely holding it together by this point. That year being Santa was easy. I was so numb to most things and had already bought and wrapped everything before he died so I was well ahead of the game. The next year was a completely different story. Marc checked out that night and I ended up doing it all. I was so angry and hurt. I didn't want to do it either but I couldn't let the boys suffer for it. He promised not to do it again and has been good to his word. 


We have started a family tradition since that night five years ago. We spend it just the four of us. We bake cookies, we open a present, we read a book, we relax, and we spend time as a family. I never know how I'm going to be that day. Today is one of the hardest I've had since 2007. I can honestly say that one was worse. This one is no picnic but I keep reminding myself that have family and friends that love me and support me and would be here in a second if I called them up to let them know I needed them. I have a loving husband who is patiently waiting for me to lean on him a little. I have two beautiful, funny, loving children who will snuggle with me when I ask. I have an angel who might not be here physically but lets me know that he visits me often with songs he plays and butterflies he sends.


I'm not really posting this with any reason behind it. More of a way to get some of these thoughts and feelings out so I don't edge any closer to true insanity then I already am. Although, I prefer to think of it as being an eclectic personality.  I cannot wait to be an old lady so I can just randomly say the things that pop into my head. For those of you who know me, you know how scary that will be. For those of you who sort of know me, you have no idea how scary that's going to be! You think I'm weird now? Just you wait. Mwuahahahaha....