Bacon Egg "Cupcakes"

Bacon Egg "Cupcakes"

I stumbled across a picture of what I now refer to as Bacon Egg Cupcakes. Since I found it on facebook, it had minimal instructions on how to make this delicious breakfast in cup. What you'll need:

Muffin Pan

12 medium eggs (the smaller the better)

Bread

12 slices of bacon

Cheese of some kind, today I used mozzarella and parmesan

Non-stick spray

Something to cut the circles in your bread. Either a glass the size of the bottom of your muffin pan or a circular cookie cutter

I started off by cooking the bacon so it still had some flexibility. You need some give to it so it will bend into the muffin cups. I sprayed the pan first to minimize sticking. Don't know if it helps but it definitely didn't hurt so I'll keep doing it.

Next, I cut the bread circles to go into the bottom. Today I used bread that was starting to go stale and it ended plumping up quite a bit more than the first time I made these. Probably because it absorbed some of the moisture from the eggs. Either way, it worked fine.

I wasn't sure what order to do this in. Originally I put the bread in first, then the bacon around. I decided last minute to put the bacon in and then bread to get a better seal. Seemed to have worked well. If you do it the other way and it works, let me know.

Next add whatever cheese you want. The first time I did it with cheddar. I liked that better but I had run out of cheddar and used what I had on hand. It wasn't bad, just not exactly what I preferred. Notice the three "cupcakes" on the left side. My husband doesn't like cheese so I leave it off of his. That's why I love these. You can customize to each person's preference and the hardest thing about it is making sure you remember which is which.
 

Now is when the eggs go in. The reason you don't want any bigger than a medium egg is it will spill over.

Since the boys don't like runny yolks, I take a fork and pierce them so they cook a little more evenly. I think that I might have forgotten to mention that you need to preheat the oven to 400 degrees. I blame it on the Superbowl. I have been writing this on and off all day.

Today I sprinkled parmesan on top of the eggs. Well, almost all the eggs. 

I cook them for 20-22 minutes. The original recipe said 12 minutes or something like that but the whites were still clear at that point. Almost everyone in the house likes a hard yolk, thus the extra time.

After they're done, pull them out and serve. I put salsa or hot sauce on mine because I like spicy food. You can also add pesto or marinara just as easily as a topping. Or, you can eat them plain like my boys do. These are super versatile and I also found a recipe for a low-fat version the other day. The 100 calorie pack looks like a great version to use too. 

I'm going to keep experimenting with these. I love that they're relatively easy to prep and while they're cooking I can either clean the kitchen (or not) or take a shower, which is what I did today.

Spaghetti sauce

It is a very snowy day here in Colorado. Since we had a heads up about the storm and I knew I had several days in a row off, I decided to make my marinara/spaghetti sauce. This recipe makes about 3 quarts so you will have waaaaayyyy more than you need for one setting. You can freeze it or refrigerate it for awhile. I not sure the shelf life because it disappears pretty fast here in my house.

Outside look of today. Blah.

Here are the ingredients that I start with

4- 28oz cans of whole tomatoes, I use peeled whole plum tomatoes San Marzano style

Celery

Fresh Basil

Fresh herbs which generally consist of Oregano, Marjoram, Thyme, and Parsley

Garlic, I go for simplicity so now that they sell fresh peeled garlic that's been vacuum sealed, that's what I buy

2 to 3 leeks

1 large onion, white, sweet, or yellow whatever your preference

Olive oil 

Red Wine

To start off with I put a bunch of garlic cloves in about two tablespoons of olive oil. I use my largest pot which I think is a 6 quart pot. Cook on a medium heat so you don't scorch your garlic.

While those are sautéing, I start cutting up my leeks. I generally only use the white part because the green ends up having so much grit and dirt. These ones weren't bad so I chopped the whole thing up after a thorough washing. I don't worry too much about the size of the cuts of the onions, leeks, etc. I use a hand blender (one of my new favorite gadgets because it decreases mess and/or the chance for messes which when I'm involved increases exponentially) because none of the boys in the house like chunky sauce so everything gets blended down.

At this point, your garlic should start looking like this. Use as much or as little garlic as you like. In this house we use enough garlic to kill a vampire. I then add the leeks into the mix and allow that to cook down while you cut up the onion.

Notice those pink glasses? Those are my onion cutting goggles. I am the queen of kitchen gadgets and these are one of my favorite things EVER!! I cannot cut an onion without my eyes tearing up and/or swelling so much I cannot see. Which is less than helpful if you are using sharp knives. These came from Sur La Table. Highly recommend if you are super sensitive like me. Swim goggles will work as well but I like being able to put them up on my head to keep my hair out of my face when they are not in use.

I add the onion and the celery to the pot to cook as well. I use two or three stalks of celery.

This is what my mess is starting to look like.

Now I start prepping my herbs while that cooks for about 10 minutes. This time around I used Sage which I never have used before so we'll see how that turns out. In addition to the Sage, I use Marjoram, Oregano, Thyme, Basil, Parsley, and Bay leaves. Since I'm already making homemade, I use fresh herbs. It might not make that much difference in the flavor profile overall, I just like the thought of all the fresh ingredients in it. Especially since I already feel like I'm cheating with canned tomatoes. Ha.

For the herbs, I use around a 1/4 cup of the sage, oregano, thyme, and marjoram. I strip the leaves off of the stems as much as possible. I use a quarter cup of the parsley as well.

At this point, your pot should be looking like this.

I add the wine at this point to deglaze. I generally end up using whatever is left on my counter. Today it was almost half a bottle of Tempranillo. I use anywhere from 1/4 of a cup to half a bottle and I usually use something that has been open a few days. Not because I think it adds to the flavor, but because I hate to waste wine. Either by cooking with perfectly good drinking wine or throwing out half a bottle of slightly turned wine.

After I stir that around and let it cook another few minutes, probably not strictly necessary, I add the 1/4 of mixed herbs and the 1/4 cup of parsley and stir together.

 Now I open up the four can of tomatoes.

I add them and roughly chop the tomatoes with my wooden spoon. A recipe that I had read said to squish them with your hands before adding them. I did that the first time I made it and it was super messy and ended having to dirty a bowl just for that. Have I mentioned yet that I try to cut down on the things that will make a bigger mess than necessary?

While this cooks I cut up my basil and go do something else around the house for about a half hour. Are these times strictly necessary? Probably not, but since I usually do it that way and the sauce turns out yummy I figure I'll just keep doing it. I only make this on days that I have plenty of time so I can give it the time that I think that it needs.

After the half hour, your sauce should be looking like this.

This is where I add the basil.

Immediately after adding the basil, I use my hand mixer to blend it into a soupy sauce. My boys, husband included, will eat all the vegetables in this as long as they can't see individual vegetables. Eye roll.

Next I add in the bay leaves. Two to three. I've used both dried and fresh and didn't notice much difference. I had found the fresh ones at Sunflower Market and figured "What the heck? I'll try them." There were a ton in the package so I'm still using them. At this point I also add salt to taste. Use whatever salt you like. I'm partial to Kosher or sea salt. Since you will have almost three quarts, you will need more salt then you think. I add a little a time because it's easier to keep adding then it is to take it out. I also add a few teaspoons of red pepper flakes because I like a little bit of a kick to it.

I let it simmer for a couple of hours to blend all the flavors. After it's done, I let it cool and separate it into three containers or so. You can use quart or gallon ziploc bags once it has cooled and throw it in the freezer.  

Hope you all stay warm. This is what it's looking like outside while the house fills with the smells of tomato, basil, and garlic....

Alright, so I swore I was going to start this blogging thing up again now that I have high speed internet. Since I have done pretty much nothing but be on the internet the last two days reading other peoples' (people's?, suddenly English classes seem so far away) blogs, it might be time to start mine again.

First of all, I started Pinterest this week. When I first went on, I saw that I had to be invited and thought to myself "What if they decide that they don't want me?" Then I decided that if they didn't want me I didn't want to be on there anyway. Now that I have spent the last two days on there finding all kinds of cool stuff, I think "Kinda wish they had rejected me because I absolutely did not need something this addictive in my life. After all, I already HAD facebook." Holy cow is that site ever becoming a compulsion! Plus, I feel very A.D.D. I spent several hours moving farther and farther from whatever I had originally looking at. Of course, it has also inspired me to do a few things. I gave myself a yogurt hair mask after reading several articles about do-it-yourself spa treatments.

I had no idea how many cool things were out there! I have a friend who is both a fellow SIDS mom and one of the ones who kind of convinced me to start blogging. When I had told her that I started blogging, she informed me that meant I had to start following others and commenting on their blogs as well. At first that seemed so daunting and time consuming. It also scared me a wee bit. Now that I've actually started reading several blogs, I even started a bookmark folder for some of my favorites, I see why you would do that. When you post things, if there are no comments you feel like maybe you didn't post it after all. Like it disappeared into the ether. I have a feeling it's going to be just as time consuming as I originally thought, but I don't think that it will be quite the arduous task I was originally worried it would be.

I started following the Bloggess, Jenny Lawson, several months ago and have come to really appreciate the world of social media. I can see the difference it can make. She talks about her panic attacks. She talks about her depression. She even brought to light that she sometimes self-harms. She makes a difference and if I can make just one person feel better about what they're going through the way that she does, I will consider this a success.

Just had to post that. Is it germain to the blog? Nope. Welcome to my mind. Hehehe

Have a good night, day, whatever time of day it might be where you are.

Christmas Eve again... Sigh.

Christmas Eve has been hard for me for the last 5 years. We saw Devlin in the funeral home for the last time on this day. The boys kept wanting to go see him and would play next to his casket for as long as we let them. On this day I made them say goodbye to him for the last time. I kissed his forehead for the last time. 


We couldn't bury him until 27th because of the snow and I felt like a horrible mother because I couldn't keep going to the funeral home to see him like that. He didn't look like my child. They did not do a good job with him. I don't know why I felt so bad about not visiting him in the mortuary. Had we been able to bury him when we'd originally planned on the 22nd, I wouldn't have visited him every day at the cemetery but it felt like I was betraying him by not spending all the time that I could with him. Even though I knew he was gone. Even though I know he wouldn't have wanted me to. Even though no one else expected me to. 


I felt so bad telling the boys they could no longer go see their brother but I was barely holding it together by this point. That year being Santa was easy. I was so numb to most things and had already bought and wrapped everything before he died so I was well ahead of the game. The next year was a completely different story. Marc checked out that night and I ended up doing it all. I was so angry and hurt. I didn't want to do it either but I couldn't let the boys suffer for it. He promised not to do it again and has been good to his word. 


We have started a family tradition since that night five years ago. We spend it just the four of us. We bake cookies, we open a present, we read a book, we relax, and we spend time as a family. I never know how I'm going to be that day. Today is one of the hardest I've had since 2007. I can honestly say that one was worse. This one is no picnic but I keep reminding myself that have family and friends that love me and support me and would be here in a second if I called them up to let them know I needed them. I have a loving husband who is patiently waiting for me to lean on him a little. I have two beautiful, funny, loving children who will snuggle with me when I ask. I have an angel who might not be here physically but lets me know that he visits me often with songs he plays and butterflies he sends.


I'm not really posting this with any reason behind it. More of a way to get some of these thoughts and feelings out so I don't edge any closer to true insanity then I already am. Although, I prefer to think of it as being an eclectic personality.  I cannot wait to be an old lady so I can just randomly say the things that pop into my head. For those of you who know me, you know how scary that will be. For those of you who sort of know me, you have no idea how scary that's going to be! You think I'm weird now? Just you wait. Mwuahahahaha....

Depression lies

Where to start?
I had been thinking that I needed to start blogging again but as with most things I've started lately, I just haven't found the energy to complete that thought.
I thought that today would be a good time to start.
I decided on today because it was a wake up call for me. My husband and I attended the funeral of a man who took his own life. Before you read any further, if you are going to judge this man for his actions, please just leave my page.
This man was a kind, funny, generous man who gave so much of himself to others, I think that he forgot to keep some for himself. His name was Matthew Still. He was a husband, father, son, and friend. We met Matt 3 weeks after our youngest son died. Matt and his wife, Linda, lost their daughter to SIDS the same year that Marc and I lost Devlin but 11 months before us. Matt was at our first meeting. He sat and listened to us talk about the horrifying experience we had just found ourselves in. He listened to our pain and shared his own. In the following months we learned more about each and shared both laughter and tears. In the following years, we would only see each other on occasion as happens with life. I enjoyed Matt very much and he always had a ready smile.
I learned yesterday that Matt was dead and that his service was today. Upon arriving at the church, I found that Matt had taken his own life. This has shaken me to my soul. I would never fathomed the depth of pain that he had kept bottled up. He always seemed so easy going. I had seen him only 3 months ago and would never have dreamed that I would never see him again.
It just goes to show the sorrow that we all hide from the world, partly for our own sanity, partly for everyone else's.
I have been suffering from depression lately and have been in a funk for awhile. I know that a good portion of that is that I keep pushing my grief farther and farther down. I only let myself feel a little at a time. I'm scared that if I let myself feel to much at once, I might shatter into a million pieces and I'm afraid all the pieces will never fit back together again. Devlin's 5th anniversary is coming up in just over two weeks and I feel so raw and bruised right now. I have no emotional energy left today.
I realize now that I need to let myself feel. What is ironic about this is I spend time with parents newer to the grief process and coach them to do this very thing. It is always so much easier to tell someone what they should be doing than to follow your own advice. I know many of them think, as I thought of Matt, that I have it so much more together.
Do I feel that I'm lying to them? No, I think that going through this process, you have to see someone who looks like they are holding it all together so you have something to aspire to and also to know that you can make it through the pain. I think it's also good for them to see both in smaller and not so small ways that after all this time I don't have it all together. It's important to understand that you will always have your rough days in addition to your good days. The more you remember that, the less likely it will hit you upside the head like a sledgehammer and send you into a spiral. Again, it takes constant reminders to be gentle with myself.
I guess what I'm trying to say in a really round-about, rambling way, is that you never know the depths of pain someone is feeling at any given point. If you are that person, find someone to reach out to. As one of my favorite bloggers says, Depression is a lying bastard. Do not let it win. I know this is easier said than done, but you are worth the effort it will take. There is someone out there who will keenly feel your loss even if you are feeling that is not the case.
I will miss your laugh, Matt. I will miss your smile. I am incredibly sad that I could not return the favor you bestowed on me. Rest in peace and know that you will be missed.

People say stupid stuff...

There are many things I've learned in life. The thing that seems to be the most prevalent in recent years is, people say stupid stuff. Some days it bothers me. Generally I can ignore it. I mean, I say stupid stuff too. I get it. Today was one of the days that I was able to walk away and ignore it.


I had two men in tonight and we were talking about skydiving. (Hang in here, there is a back story.) We talked about how none of us have ever wanted to nor planned on ever doing it. I mentioned that I came close last year to doing it because I had had two gentlemen in the bar who had both said they would donate $1000 to my charity if I would do it. This led to a discussion on what my charity is. For the last 4 1/2 years I have donated my time to Angel Eyes which is a non-profit who helps out families like mine who have lost an infant or child to SIDS, SUID, SUDC, or other unexplained causes. I showed the men the blurb we have posted at work (my job has been very supportive of Angel Eyes) and explained about Angel Eyes. They started making jokes about SUDS, not sure where that came from, and in general made a spectacle of themselves. I chose to walk away before I got angry. I work in a bar and people get drunk and they, say it with me now, SAY STUPID THINGS! After coming back to the bar they finally asked how I got involved and I told them about my youngest son, Devlin. While I did chose to walk away and not get upset, I could not help but feel a little bit giddy about the stricken expressions that they had. 


I have been in this position before and I did not take it quite as well that time. The man in this instance was even more insensitive and I really had a hard time not leaping across the bar where I work. He kept saying that he had suffered from SIDS and still did and then started laughing about it. You could tell he had no idea what he was talking about. This conversation had been spurred on by the ribbon lapel pin that I wear so he knew it was something personal for me. Luckily, I had two phenomenal ladies who had just sat down when he started talking. They lit into the man big time which I was very thankful for since I was at work and couldn't tell him off like he so richly deserved. He left with his tail tucked between his legs and I bought them a round of drinks. 


I wish that I could say that I don't care about the stupid things people say. For the most part I manage. I learned early into my grieving process that since people generally didn't know what to say, they would say stupid things. I forgive them those for the most part because at least they are trying to talk to me about it or are acknowledging that it happened.

Trying this whole blogging thing

Alright. So I'm new to this whole blogging thing.
That being said, I'm starting this for two main reasons. The first is to reach parents and others who have also suffered a loss. Through the loss of my son, I have become a mentor of sorts to other parents who have lost children. I don't have all the answers, in fact most days I'm not sure I have any of them. I do talk to a lot of people and we share our experiences and somehow find a way to muddle through. The second is completely selfish. I like to talk. A lot. It's part of the reason I am a bartender. I often have more things to say then there is time to insert into a conversation.

I'm not really sure where I want this first blog to go. I think I'll use it mainly as a introduction piece and hope that now that I've decided to start a blog, I won't run out of things to say. Stranger things have happened...